Stress, stress, stress, stress....

If you can't tell by the title...I'm stressed.
Work is busy and there is plenty to do.
I don't mind the work, there's just lots of it.
And my boss is definitely not the one stressing me out, far from it. If I vent to her about something or complain about something, she is quick to give me suggestions on how to fix it. Case in point: a certain department has been submitting things to me late, which affects payroll. I mention it to her, and she immediately contacts the Program Manager for that dept. and asks that we be put on the agenda for their next department meeting, so we can discuss my issues. That's definitely new. At my old job, there were times when I would express my concern to my boss about something and he would find a way to blame me.
So my stress doesn't stem from that, or even by the last minute stuff I get from that one department. My stress is self-caused, which is harder to deal with.

I want so badly to do well here. I want to do a good job and I want them to be happy with my work. I'm already past my probationary period, so I'm not worried about retention, but it's just so different here.
I can readily admit, at my old job, I was so, so unhappy that I let it affect my work ethic, I did. I hate that I gave him that power, but I very much did. I stopped doing my best there long before I actually left. I kept saying that I should've left a long time before I did, but things happened that were beyond my control. I went on interviews for jobs that I knew I didn't want, I just wanted to get out of there. Things didn't pan out, or I couldn't afford the pay cut. Then I had my health issues, so I definitely couldn't go anywhere for that whole year. In the end, I know things worked out the way they were supposed to, but it was hard to put up with. And so yes, I can admit,  I didn't do my best. I let things fall by the wayside.

After I came back from my vacation and saw the email he sent me in which he denied my raise, the email he cowardly sent after I asked to speak with him about it face to face, the email he sent  knowing I was gone and on vacation and wouldn't see it until I returned; the email he sent to me even after having forwarded my co-worker all my emails while I was out, knowing she would see it...yes, that email was the catalyst for me to completely, 100% check the hell out of that place. Mentally, I was done. So much so, that I didn't even get upset, I didn't fight with him, didn't lose my cool, just proceeded to diligently look for a job elsewhere. It wasn't like other times when I would shed my rage tears, applying to anything and everything. I was cherry-picking jobs that sounded interesting, with this eerie calm, as if I knew that this was going to be it. When it did happen, it was still surreal, but the expectation of getting out of that place is what kept me from losing it.

I don't think I ever mentioned it in the blog, but on my last week at my old job, I ended up in the ER, from an anxiety attack. That stemmed from me trying to finish up all the stuff that I should've been doing, that I had not been for a while. In some sick way, I justified not doing my best at work, because my hatred for him was such that I felt as if it were some sort of revenge on him. In reality, he was probably the least affected, I'm sure it affected my old co-workers more than him. That's probably why they hate me and don't speak to me anymore. In retrospect, that was a bad idea. I should've never let him get to me to that extreme, where I wasn't putting in 100%. It's just so, so incredible difficult to show up every day, and do your best, when you loathe the person you work for so much, when you know that he doesn't respect you in the least, nor anyone else. When you feel as if you're not even treated like a human being. It sounds like an exaggeration, but really, after 5 years of this treatment, there was absolutely no positive I could see in him, none. This is the man who wanted to call a co-worker while she was out of town tending to her dying mother, the man who told a heavily pregnant woman to climb on a conference table and take a nap. a man who ordered a crying co-worker to "splash some water on your face and come back to work"...or for a different crying co-worker, completely ignored her tears and talked to her as if tears weren't coming down her face, how could I feel as if he gave a single damn about me, about any of us? He didn't, and still doesn't, I'm sure. And the agency where I worked, that is his baby. To hear him talk about it, you'd swear he single-highhandedly founded it, with little help from others. Nobody holds him at a higher pedestal than he holds himself. So in my mind, not letting him get 100% from me, made me feel better, as if I were hurting him somehow. I feel bad about it now, but there's nothing I can do, except do great here, at my current job.

That's why I'm so stressed....I do it to myself. I've been here a little over 5 months here, so I'm definitely still within the learning curve, but I'm so determined to not make mistakes. I work late when I don't have to just to give myself enough time to fix anything that may need fixing before I submit. My boss has even questioned why I'm still here late on occasion, tells me not to worry about it and sends me home. There is lots to do, plenty of attention to detail needed, organizational skills, etc. I have all that, I just forget. After being treated poorly, I second guess myself and my abilities.





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