D.E.P.

I went to a funeral Sunday.
I hate funerals...
You might say "who doesn't?". But I'm just really bad at them.
I'm a crier. Not a lot of people know that, but boy is it true, especially at funerals.
I once went to the funeral of a friend's father, and people were looking at me, wondering if I was related to the family, because of how emotional I got.

This last funeral though, it was the worst one of all.
It was for a baby...a 7 month old.
One who was taken from this world violently.
We walked in and saw the white tiny casket, and my heart broke.
Then we noticed that the little girl's grandpa wasn't sitting in the receiving line with the rest of the family, instead he had pulled a chair right up to the casket and was sitting next to it. My heart broke even more.
The room was full of sadness, it was almost palpable.
The little girl's parents were sitting in front of us, standing to greet people, and sitting down. Stand, hug and sit, stand, hug and sit...a continuous cycle of torture.
I'm not sure if it's a cultural thing, but our funerals are filled with tears, sadness, almost designed to make sure those who are living are hurting and in pain, while the deceased looks almost peaceful.
I'm not sure how she looked in this case, I refused to go near the casket. It was an open casket and I just couldn't bring myself to get near. It was just too sad.
I've been to funerals from other cultures where one's passing is almost a celebration. They go out to eat after, remembering the good times.
Not ours. It's just sitting in a room in front of a casket and tons of pictures of the dead. How could you not cry?
It was at this moment that I decided that I want none of this. I told my husband and my mom and sister my feelings that same day, but they seemed to kind of dismiss them because they thought I was just upset...but nope, this is how I want it.
I want to be cremated, and my ashes spread in my favorite place; the ocean. It can be any ocean, but preferably one I didn't get to visit in my lifetime.
I would never wish for my relatives to sit in a room with my corpse, crying and receiving condolences from everyone. No thank you.
Death is a part of life, I get it. This baby is now resting in peace, she will not suffer ever again, will never experience loss, sadness, heartbreak, rejection, etc. She's better off than most of us that are still living. But it's still beyond heartbreaking that she'll never have the opportunity to enjoy the good stuff in life. She didn't get to learn to walk, learn to talk, to eat solid foods, to grow up.
Now all that's left is that those who loved her in her short stay here come up with the strength to deal with the loss and move on. Life keeps on going, keeps happening, doesn't stop for anything.
When you think about it...life kind of sucks. A lot.
Too bad you don't get to choose whether you'd like to participate or not.

Descansa en Paz, bebe.

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